Give Me More

I have finally started to DO something. I began swimming this week. Went 2 times. Oddly enough I am still NOT fit enough to get pregnant. At least I feel good about finally moving and doing something. Murray knows that I am doing this to get healthy so we can get another baby in my tummy. A baby that as he puts it "gets to come home wiff us and doesn't have to go to heaven". I have been really wondering WTH lately. I want a baby sooo badly, but then I am not doing anything to get us to a place where we can start to try. I talk and talk about it. I ache over it. I obsess about it. But I don't DO anything about it. I am the only one/thing holding us, our family, back from growing. I spoke with my SIL this week about it, and her thoughts are that I am afraid. Afraid of the pain of losing another baby. I am protecting myself by being too fat to get pregnant. I have been really putting some thought to this. I am trying to figure out how to reconcile my heart and head and get them on the same page so that I can get my body on that page too. I am running out of time. I'm 41. My risks of trouble seems to be going up by the day. I intend to use my time in the pool to have some serious heart and head time.