MOTHER!!!!

My dear cousin and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for a couple years now. They have struggled greatly. They are now about to embark on IVF with a donor egg. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for them and am praying and hoping as hard as I can that they will be finally blessed with a child. So my mother and I were driving and she pops off with "I want it more for them than I do for you". OMG OMG OMG. When I looked at her with the shock I was feeling she simply said "don't get upset with me, you have Murray and I want them to have a chance at a child". All I could come up with was "I don't think this is the sort of thing that has to be gauged". I know I shouldn't be surprised at this and after chewing it over and hashing it out with my sister in law, I know she is approaching this from a position of fear. She is fearful of me having to face the sort of pain I faced and continue to face after losing Cayden. She would rather me just stop and not risk it. But f*ck, come on Mom, if you are going to chose teams...........shouldn't it be MY TEAM? And so much more to the point.........this is not something that a team has to be chosen for. Oh I love you Mom, but honestly, that really hurt.

exhaustion

I have been beating myself up for months. Beating myself up for sooo many things and so many reasons I would be here for weeks if I were to begin listing them all. But the thing that I think I might finally have gotten some clarity about is my being so tired. I am tired all the time. Not just sleepy, or lazy tired, which is what I have been beating myself up for, but bone weary exhausted sort of tired. I have been trying to catch up on some of the blogs I follow of other mothers with broken hearts and I am finding yet another common thread. We are all so tired. I have been laying here tonight thinking about it. I feel from time to time that I am doing well, that I am making my way in this new life of a broken heart, but obviously there is a price to pay for that. It takes every ounce of my energy to get through my days with a semi smile, going through the motions of my life, forcing myself to connect with my family and friends when all the while I would like to just lay in bed and sleep and cry or sob in turns. I suppose if I were to give in and let myself curl into the fetal position that my soul is pulling me into every moment of every day I would still be just as damned tired. At least this way my sons, both Murray and Cayden will be able to look at me, from across the room or down from the heavens and know I am trying, but holy hell it's wearing me out.

Murray's Day

We all know what Sunday was. We all dealt or didn't deal, felt or didn't feel, were surprised by our feelings or blindsided by the emotions that this day carries with it or had already "put up our dukes" in preparation for it. I, so thankfully, was given a perfect "excuse". My Murray turned 4 years old. I was able to place all my focus on him. We even did a little family dinner at Chuck E Cheeses. I was glad to not have to focus on the idea of this day. I did steal a few quet moments to reflect on the fact that I am the mother of 2 beautiful wonderful sons.

It's not over by a long shot

My grief and pain is washing over me tonight like an endless ocean. Today Cayden should be 9 months old. But instead he isn't. Instead in 3 short days he will have been gone for 9 months. Eric and Murray are sleeping soundly and I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing my sweet dark haired angel was here with me. I am so grateful that Murray hasn't stopped talking about him, that he wants to send balloons to Cayden in heaven almost weekly, that me talks about his baby brother daily, but G*D DAMNIT I want him him here with us. I don't want to have to explain to Murray for the 9,000th time why G*d took Cayden, why we can't see him, why we have to trust that Cayden is always with us and watching over us. I am so sad and mad tonight I have a crazy urge to run into the middle of the street in my nightshirt and scream. I want to scream in the middle of the street.........I WANT MY SON BACK NOW!!!! I want the world to know just how bad this still hurts. I want them all to have to look into my face right this second with endless tears streaming and sobs racking my breathing........I want the world to face this pain with me. I want everyone I know who has thought to themselves or said to themselves or someone else "Cristin seems to be doing so well, she is so strong" or any other such nonsense..........I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT!!! The pain I feel tonight is so strong I want to curl up in a ball. I'm not good, I'm not better. I hurt tonight the same as I hurt 9 months ago.......in 3 days.

International Babylost Mothers Day

Thinking of all my new friends here in the world of lost babies.

Friends of the Heart

I'm sure so many of you have been touched by Lea from Nicholas' Touch and Angel Wings Memorial Boutique. She sent me hand crafted Angel Wings shortly after I lost Cayden and we have remained in touch. She lives soo far from me, but always seems to know just when I need to hear from her and her words are always like a salve to my wounded soul. A few days ago, I had just had a difficult day. My mother and sister in law and I had just, and I mean just, came back from visiting my friend with the 2 month old little boy. The one who was a tiny little premie, from an older big mother like myself, who shares the same doctor and hospital as Cayden and I. These visits are sooo hard. I try to steel myself and be cheerful and happy and look at her son and talk to him, but both times I have seen him I come home defeated, depressed and just exhausted. I sat in the car in front of my house rehashing the visit and crying. I grabbed the mail when I got out of the car...........and there it was, Lea had sent me some wonderful little yellow butterflies, because they made her think of Cayden and I. So really, honestly they came at the perfect time. I truly want to take a page out of Leas book and think of others more than I think of my own pain. The simple fact that she, in the midst of her busy life (made harder by the beating of a mothers heart who has lost her son) thought of me, and acted on her thoughts.......there is good in this world. You give me hope.

ready and not

I sooo want to be trying to get pregnant again right this damned minute. Doctor said we could start trying in February. Doctor said my weight had nothing to do with what happened to Cayden. Heart and soul scream a different story. I feel I need to lose a good 60 lbs before I will feel comfortable trying again. I am 40 years old. Time is a wasting. Waist is not shrinking. Of course it isn't going to unless I actually DO something about it. I keep telling myself when my taxes come in I will get a membership to a fitness club here. But the problem is I have a stationery bike in my basement. A good one. I have punches to go to the rec center and do pilates. The weather is getting nicer and nicer here and I could easily walk. BUT I AM DOING NOTHING!!! What gives? Where is my inner strength?