Freak

I can't put my finger on it, but something new has been happening to me. Back story........I have been winding up and up and up with the stress level lately. Eric isn't working much, my unemployment is quickly drying up with no job prospects on the horizon and our cobra health insurance has ended. We are behind in just about every bill possible, haven't even started to consider paying for all the medical bills we racked up last year. It's beginning to wear on me in a big way. X~an~ax is becoming a needed daily weapon, not just a safety blanket in my purse. So yeah, there is all that. And I have found that stress and strong emotions throw the door to grief wide open. So the relative control I thought I had is eluding me. The thing that struck me tonight as I thought about my last few days is how addicted I am to Murray. I find myself highly HIGHLY critical of other children. I compare them all to my perfect little man. When he isn't with me, which is honestly really rare, I ache for him. And not the normal ache of a mom missing her clever 3, soon to be 4 year old. It's big. I feel panicky without him. I think about all the funny, endearing, silly things he says and does. I walked through the grocery store and see the fruit leather he loves, the donuts he loves and I get this mix of panic and need and giant lovey feelings for him. All I know is somehow, someway I need to get a handle on this. It's freaking me out.

could this be me?

I am moving through this life. I have somehow survived the death of my son. I get up everyday now and live. I smile. I laugh. I love. I am living. How can this be? How can I live without him? It seems so strange to me to think that somehow I am finding a way to survive this pain. Somehow I go on with my life even though it feels I have only half my heart, half my soul. The other half of me clearly belongs to Murray and that must be the only way I have come this far. I am fearing more and more getting farther and farther away from the time I had with Cayden. I know I have to continue on, and just like I tell Murray live a long and happy life and be an old old woman before I can go to heaven and be with Cayden, but will he still be waiting for me? People told me that the horrendous spells of soul tearing grief would gradually get less strong and less frequent. I didn't believe it could be so. But seemingly it is true. I can sit here and think of him in the quiet of the night and if I open the door to it, the grief comes gushing in like a river. It baffles me then, that the pain and sadness that is sooo great, so damned huge, can be quelled and I can live a seemingly normal daily life? How does this work? How does my heart lock up the pain so I can do what must be done? I don't get it. I really don't. I know that it's fast approaching 8 months since we said hello and goodbye. At 8 months he will have been gone as long as he was with me. And then the scales tip the other way. I hope my heart is ready for that.

sometimes I sit here and have no idea what to say. I know I haven't blogged in a while and Lord knows many things have raced through my mind. Many things need to be worked out. But I feel sorta numb tonight. There are so many good things going on right now, Murray is just an amazing kid. He finds such joy in everything he does it's infectious. Eric got a floor to do, and he will be going out of town to do it. He is so excited that he has to travel for work. I am having my family over for St. Patricks Day dinner tomorrow night as I have done every St. Patricks Day for years. I have all the hard part done, save for cleaning the toilets tomorrow. Tomorrow is my 4 month wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband. I have a job interview on Friday that I am very excited about. Spring seems to be trying to make her appearance. Thank God. The dreary cold and gray days have taken a toll on my soul. My friend is coming next week from New Zealand. All really good things. And yet I am somehow consumed with the not so good. I wonder if this is the "new me"? The post Cayden me? Or is this the me in transition from pre to post Cayden? Is this the still overwhelmingly grief stricken me, who goes through so many days pretending and walking around with a painted on smile, trying to figure out what my next move is? Right now? It's ambien and a pillow.

the universe is a bitch

My laptop went kapoot, so I had to make an appointment to get her fixed. So I go. I am standing at the counter with the very nice mac kid who is helping me and doing this and that and looking this up and testing that. Here is where the bitch part comes in.......who is standing RIGHT next to me doing their thing with their mac person? Mom and grandma and BABY. Ok to tough enough, but I tell myself "self.....there are babies in this world and you are going to have to deal with that. you love babies. you always have. you have always been drawn to them. you are going to have to go and see your friends new baby soon enough. so this is a good time to just suck it up and look at and even interact with a baby." my little self pep talk worked. i turned to and coo'd at said little baby, was doing quite fine (save the rock that formed in my gut) UNTILLLLLL mac dude asks how old this baby is.........7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. How old would my Cayden be you wonder? 7 MOTHER SCRATCHING MONTHS. Anyone care to tell me what the gawd damned odds are that I would get stuck next to a baby the same age that Cayden SHOULD be???? I mean come on universe? What sin have I commited that I have to be punished like that? It was all I could do to not stand there and fricken cry. Friendly little mac dude would have thought I was crying about my stupid laptop. I made it half way out the mall before the tears let loose. Tears streaming, I frantically call Eric and try to escape. But of course super friendly store guy at Dicks Sporting Goods (which I had to walk through to get out to my van) "oh miss, are you ok? can i help you find something?". why yes super friendly dicks dude..........MY SON. can you help me find my SON? he seems to be missing from my life and i need him here. i really really want to know where it is that i screwed up so royal that this sort of think gets to be my life? haven't i paid whatever debt to the universe i was sentenced to? i mean COME ON!!! I give. I give in. I give up.

Now can I get a break?

Who have I become

Cripes I used to be the woman who loved birthdays, celebrations of any kind and babies and pregnancy on anyone. Now I get so damned bitter and resentful and it's ugly. I hate it. I mean I really hate it. My family tries to understand, and excuse my feelings, but I really do hate it. When will the day come that I will just be happy to celebrate a birthday, mine or someone elses, without rewinding in my mind to my last birthday and the joy so tightly woven into the heartbreak? When will the day come that I see a pregnant woman and feel happy for her, not jealousy followed closely by fury at myself? When will the day come that I will look forward to seeing, shopping for, and even holding someone elses baby? Eric says he won't hold another baby until he holds his own. I can see that. I can see me doing that as well. I have a friend whose baby was born at 34 weeks and he is really small, will be in the NICU for another 3 weeks or so. She says she can't wait to put him in my arms. I can't help but wonder will my empty aching arms stand for such an assault? When does the pity party end? When do I just have to suck up and deal and be a normal person? I don't know that I ever will, I sure hope everyone is okay with that.

Who might you have been?

It's so strange to me how my mind and soul work in regards to Cayden. So many lost baby mamas that I follow seem to see their angels as they were or as they should be at that moment. And I suppose I do that too, to some degree. I mean looking at newborns anywhere takes my breath away and whenever I see a baby that is about 6 months old, same thing. But I actually find myself looking more and more at young men and wondering if THAT'S what he would have looked like. Dark haired boys with cleft chins send my mind spiraling. I see a young dark haired boy lean down to hug his mother or something and I think "oh, oh my Cayden would have done that". I wonder if I will always do that.

Scene of the Crime

I have a very dear friend who was pregnant. She got pregnant after I got the initial bad diagnosis about Cayden. She also found out she was having a boy. We share the same OB. She is an older mom and heavy just like me. So many many similarities it's scary. Well I have found out throughout the course of her pregnancy that she was scared to tell me she was pregnant, that she had prayed she would not have a boy and she asked God many times why she was the one put in my path to be a constant reminder, to cause me pain each and every time I saw her. Sadly she is right. It has been a constant reminder. It has been painful each time I see her. But there is also joy and happiness for my friend. I am truly happy for her. She is a wonderful, gracious, empathetic, giving, loving woman who deserves happiness and who has been wonderful with me, to me, for me and about me from day 1. Her baby shower was last weekend and she was afraid to invite me. I was afraid to go. Not sure I could do it. Had planned to get her a gift card, not thinking I could shop in the baby section, let alone the baby boy section. But I did. Somehow I had the strength to spend a couple moments in the baby section to pick a couple cute outfits out for her baby Joshua. I smiled and was friendly and when she started opening gifts I slipped off and went downstairs to watch the kids play Wii. I knew she understood. She has since told me that she is grateful for whatever I can give to her, and understanding of what I can't give.

Well she has been having trouble. Her baby wasn't growing, in fact he was really really tiny. Measuring in at 3 weeks small for his gestational age. She developed hypertension and was on the verge of getting pre-eclampsia. She has been in an out of the hospital, on semi bed rest for a couple of weeks. The trouble is......she just had so much faith that he would be fine, that all she could do was trust in God. All of her friends were of the same mind. It drove me nuts. I was terrified for her, beyond a normal fear. I have realized why. Because in my world......babies die. You can pray, plead, beg and make as many deals and promises as you want to The Big Man, you can have everyone you know doing the same and still babies die.

She was admitted to the hospital earlier in the week and was to stay there until they took Joshua by c-section on Friday. I tried all week to work up the nerve to go see her. Tried every day. Made a plan to go see her every day. My one sister in law Betsy and other friends kept telling me it was a bad idea. That she would understand and I didn't have to go to see her THERE (there being the same damned hospital where I had Cayden). That I could wait for her to get out and she would understand. And I knew she would understand. She is that friend, who gets it. But the mere fact that she does get it makes me want to strive to do better by her. So Friday morning I got the nerve to venture to THAT hospital. My sister in law Betsy and my mom went with me. Hoping to lend me strength. Both of them reassured me that if I got there and couldn't go in, we could turn around and come home.

So in I went. I felt ok going in. Until I got to the front desk on the very same floor and was waiting for my visitor badge from the same woman who had given all my family their visitor badges. Felt my chest closing up on me and the lump in my throat growing at an alarming pace. Slapped on my badge and fished my Xana~x out of my purse and headed down the hall. Luckily she was left where I was right. As I walked the hallways though I couldn't stop the tears. My precious son had lived his entire life on THIS floor of THIS hospital. Every moment of his 3 short days was lived there. I so wish we would have taken him outside in the sunshine for just a moment. Let him breath fresh air and let the sun shine on his tender skin. Hindsight is a bitch and I hate her.

Long story longer I made it. She was moved to tears of appreciation. I am glad I went. Her friend was there, a photographer, who had just recently began doing photos for NILMDTS and the previous night had been her first. So another mother had lost her baby the night before. Another mother had started her journey down this f*cking horrid road.

Joshua was born, terribly small but healthy and strong. His cord had been wrapped around his neck twice, his belly once and his thigh yet another time. Doctors have said it's a miracle he hadn't slipped away in utero. I like to believe perhaps he had some help from an extra special little angel Cayden. I am contemplating another visit tomorrow. One of my wonderful nurses is supposed to be on duty, so I will be able to see her. I dunno. Guess it depends on how much sleep I get and how steady on my feet I feel tomorrow. It's brutal, but I did it. Damnit I did it.